


That One Time Jim Moriarty Planned A Baby Shower

by Hannatude



Category: Sherlock (TV), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Add it Up, Babysitting, Bruce Banner is dating the Greek goddess of Wisdom, Clearly I have made a terrible mistake, Clint does not remember signing up for this, Clint loves rafters, Darcy and Loki's wondertwins, Fondue is mentioned., Gen, Jim Moriarty is a party planner now. Party planners are cool., Pepper is very sorry that Tony is being an asshat, Pictures, Russian briefly is spoken by Team Clintasha, Sebastian Moran is secretly romantic, Sharpies are not for faces, Steve Roger's t-shirt is classy, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Thor is a klutz, Tiny Frost Giants love pudding cups, Tony Stark is being an asshat, Uber-Classy Cupcakes, mormor, tasertricks - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-30
Updated: 2014-09-07
Packaged: 2018-02-15 08:16:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2221980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hannatude/pseuds/Hannatude
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James Moriarty is a criminal mastermind. He's the most dangerous man in all of London; possibly all of Europe. He can bring entire countries to their knees with a single text. He's stolen the crown jewels, caused a prison break, and siphoned the National Bank's coffers simply because he could.</p><p>So throwing a baby shower should be a walk in the park.</p><p>Right?</p><p>-Tie-in thing to Leftennant's 'Add it Up'-</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Baby Shower

**Author's Note:**

  * For [leftennant](https://archiveofourown.org/users/leftennant/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Add It Up](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1907577) by [leftennant](https://archiveofourown.org/users/leftennant/pseuds/leftennant). 



> If you're a major fan of Lefty's "Add it Up", then you've (hopefully) read the running commentary between a certain Consulting Criminal and the main characters in the comments.
> 
>  
> 
> If you haven't, then... You're probably going to be confused as hell, but (hopefully) entertained nonetheless.
> 
>  
> 
> Basically, this was my way of saying "Thanks" to Lefty for her brilliant fic, while making Jim "Add it Up" canon. Well, fanon.
> 
> IT'S CANON NOW, WHOOT WHOOT! :P  
> \----------------------------------------------------------------------

"Oh, good, the tables are here! Put that one over there."  
The Consulting Criminal was absolutely giddy with excitement, which, had it been any other day, would be cause for Scotland Yard's finest to start evacuating the greater London area. But not today; no, today, James Moriarty was nowhere to be seen. Today he was Jim - Soon to be _Uncle_ Jim - and he was absolutely thrilled. Gone was the Westwood suit - he'd traded it for a thin grey tee and jeans, the waistband of his underwear clearly visible. The phone typically used to monitor his massive empire currently displayed a check list of duties, and his dark hair, usually slicked back, was tousled and sticking every which way.  
  
"No, over to the left a bit more. The _other_ left, Seb. Nnnn... Back a bit... Wee bit more- STOP! Right there!" He directed the pair of men into position.  
  
"Why am I doing this..?" The lean blonde man who had been holding one end of the table asked, flopping against the wall and sliding to the floor.  
  
"Because Darcy's your friend, and you volunteered. Now get up, Barton, there's two more tables to go." Sebastian Moran nudged the archer with the toe of his boot.  
  
"I volunteered under duress!" The blonde Avenger complained as he stood. "Besides, Tony volunteered, too, and I don't see _him_ hauling any tables!"  
  
"That would be because I'm not meant for manual labour. I'm like a delicate, beautiful snowflake." Stark quipped, frowning at the display on his StarkPad before looking over at Jim. "Try it now."  
  
"It's not going to work, Stark. I told you-"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, your complaints have been lodged with management. Humour me, will ya?" Jim grit his teeth - he promised Darcy that he wouldn't kill Stark. That didn't stop him from dreaming up increasingly elaborate ways to torment the other man... Who would then retaliate in kind. He rolled his eyes in distaste as he flicked a switch. They all winced as the room filled with a horrible screeching.  
  
"Don't. Say. A. Thing." The billionaire/philanthropist/engineer/super hero demanded, waving his finger in the criminal's face. The younger man merely smirked, his hands held to his chest.  
  
"Oh, golly gee, Mister Stark, I'd _never_ say a thing about your complete incapability to set up a simple _sound system_." He said with mock innocence.  
  
"Hey, watch it - I know where you live." (It was actually a valid statement, considering the fact that they were all currently standing in the carriage house of Jim's New York property.)  
  
"And _I_ know where _you_ live - 10880 Malibu Point, Malibu, California, 90265." Jim recited in a singsong voice, rocking on his toes, his fingers laced behind his back. "But wait.. You don't live there any more, do you? That's right - it was blown up. Twice, in fact. The first time it was by AIM, right? But the second time... Now, who did that, again..." He tapped his cheek thoughtfully before widening his eyes, which were shining with annoyance and frustration. "Oh, that's right;  _I_ blew it up the second time."  
  
"Jim, don't antagonise Darcy's fake dad." Moran spoke up with a sigh. "You'll only end up wasting your time."  
  
"You heard your mother, Jimmy. Play nice." Tony admonished teasingly, missing the sniper's frantic gesturing for him to stop as he pushed Jim aside to poke his head into the mass of generic electronic equipment. He stopped as he felt a cold metal rod pressed against his Adam's apple.  
  
"Don't you _dare_ speak to me like that again, Stark, unless you want to lose your ability to speak _at all_." Moriarty seethed viciously, his eyes darkening angrily. Stark had unknowingly broken three major rules with a single sentence; calling him Jimmy, referencing his mother, and speaking with a paternal tone.  
  
"Jim - c'mere and help me with these centrepieces and shit. I can't get them to look right." Sebastian called while silently ordering Barton to silence his team mate. Clint snorted at the futility of _that_ idea, loped over to his team mate and hopped up onto the bar to watch him work.  
  
"I get that he's fun to mess around with, but try to remember that he's a clinically diagnosed psychopath, okay? You make him snap, and he really will kill you, promise or no." Stark looked up at the younger man.  
  
"Since when are you a psychologist?"  
  
"I had to bullshit my way through mandatory psychotherapy in order to be re-instated as a SHIELD agent after the whole 'Loki's puppet' thing." Barton shrugged. "There wasn't really anything else for me to do at the time, so..." He shrugged again and vaulted off the bar. 

 

  
Meanwhile, on the other side of the room, the ex-military man turned sniper was attempting to coax his partner's less violent personality back to the forefront. He took the screwdriver from the smaller man's hand and pocketed it quietly.  
"The shiny ones are shorter than the normal ones - d'you want me to cut the normal ones down, or..?" He said, brandishing a pair of tapers.  
  
Sebastian felt _ridiculously_ out of place here, surrounded by fairy lights and sparkles and something Jim insisted was called 'tulle' but to him just looked like tiny fishnets. He was a soldier, a killer, a shadow. That's how he met her in the first place - Jim had 'lent him out' to the Norse God of Tricks (how those two had met, he _still_ wasn't quite sure) as a bodyguard for his... His Darcy. 'Girlfriend' wasn't accurate. None of the traditional titles were. Darcy was simply (perfectly) Darcy. She was the little sister he never wanted (never knew he wanted) and he loved her. He loved what she did to James; how she calmed him down. She coaxed Jim out to play, and Jim, in turn, bloomed and flourished under her affection like a rare (and admittedly crazy) flower.  
  
He blinked at his decidedly feminine simile - obviously his surroundings were getting to him.  
  


 

"Seb, you aren't listening to a _single_ thing I'm saying, are you?" Jim asked, rolling his eyes and snapping his fingers in his sniper's face to regain his attention. "Focus, Darling, this is _important_. I need you to hang these," he pressed several lengths of silky green and sheer gold cloths into the taller man's hands. "Over the entry way." He pointed to the door. "There are hooks, so it shouldn't be _too_ difficult for you." Sebastian was now the one rolling his eyes as Jim patted his cheek fondly. "Go on, then. Chop chop." Jim grinned and swatted at the sniper's behind.  
  
"Ha - GAAAAAAAY!" Stark called, blinking as his voice was broadcast over the speakers hanging from the exposed rafters. Clint squawked and nearly fell from his perch next to one of said amplifiers, dropping several rolls of green crepe paper streamers into the fountain below.  
  
"Seriously, Stark?!" He moaned, dropping to the floor as delicately as a cat. "Do you _know_ how hard this shit is to get cleaned up once it's wet?"  
  
"In my defence, I hadn't realised those were connected to the sound system." The engineer replied, holding his hands out innocently. "Nice parrot impression, by the way." Barton glared at the other man, his hands full of sopping green pulp.  
  
"I'm seriously considering dumping all of this into the driver's seat of your Porsche out front." Tony frowned at the younger man's statement.  
  
"That'd be really stupid, because it's not my Porsche." Clint looked over to the two Europeans across the room. Moran shook his head.  
  
"We came in the Jag." He rolled his eyes at the lascivious smirk that crossed Jim's face.   
  
"And again - GAAAAAAY." Tony stood up, cracked his neck, and looked out the window. "Oo, redheads with food." Clint ran to get the door.  
  


 

"Thank you, Agent Barton." Pepper Potts said as she entered, her arms full of brown paper bags. "Where do these go?"  
  
"In the kitchen, if you don't mind. It's small, but it'll suffice." Jim said, gesturing to the narrow hallway in the corner. "Barton will show you - he and Seb spent an hour exploring the entire building this morning, checking for danger and dry rot." He drawled, nodding to the Black Widow as she entered to building. "Romanoff."  
  
"Moriarty." She returned his nod before entering the kitchen. Theirs was an interesting relationship, to say the least. Unlike the rest of the Avengers, Natasha had known about James Moriarty _long_ before his pet sniper had shown up at the hospital that day. In fact, she had known about Moran for quite some time, as well. It honestly hadn't surprised her when she found out that Loki had formed a sort of playfully antagonistic friendship with the 'Consulting Criminal' and his partner. She also wasn't surprised at the openly antagonistic friendship Tony Stark had forged with the duo. What _had_ surprised her was how attached Clint had gotten, as well. Speaking of which...  
  
"напарник." Clint's head snapped up at her voice.

"что?" He replied, his hands in his pockets.  
  
"Положите его обратно." She said, looking pointedly at his hidden hands. He sighed and returned the handful of gourmet candies to the crystal bowl. "Спасибо."  
  
"You're welcome." He muttered with a pout.  
  
"Well, someone's whipped." Tony teased with a smirk.  
  
"Tony, if you're going to be in here, you're going to work." Pepper said as she pushed a carton of strawberries across the butcher's block with a fork. "Wash those."  
  
"Yes Ma'am." Tony replied, picking up the carton and walking to the sink.  
  
"Now who's whipped?" Clint laughed, easily ducking the empty carton thrown at the back of his head.  
  
"Barton - just because you cocked up some of the decorations doesn't mean you can slack off. Get your arse back in here and help me get this banner up." Moran called. "And so help me, Stark, if you say 'that's what she said'-"  
  
"Aww, c'mon, it was the perfect set up, though..." Tony whined as he finished his task. "Bruce would've appreciated it."  
  
"Speaking of which - Where _is_ Doctor Banner?" Pepper asked, silently ordering Tony to begin cutting chunks of pineapple.   
  
"Would you believe he and Athena are on a double date with the Dorky Duo?" Tony replied, popping a section of fruit into his mouth and shaking his head at Natasha's blank stare. "Seriously?  D-a-R-c-Y and l-O-K-i. D-O-R-K-Y. It's _perfect._ "  
  
"No, I understood your statement. I just think you're an idiot." The Russian said calmly as she returned to making the sauce for the chocolate fountain.  
  
"Seconded!" Clint's voice came from the ceiling above them.   
  
"No one asked you, Merida." Tony retorted, pushing the last of the cubed pineapple into yet another crystal bowl. "What's next, my liege?" Jim walked in at that moment and grinned puckishly.  
  
"It's about time, St-"   
  
"I was asking my girlfriend, not you, so shush." Pepper looked over at the Irish man standing in the door way and smiled apologetically.  
  
"What _is_ next, actually? The fruit and the rest of the nibbles are all taken care of, and Natasha's got the chocolate under control- Who was in charge of getting the cakes?" As if on cue, they heard the sound of a motorcycle entering the drive. The engine cut off and soon there was a knock at what they had all assumed was a pantry door. Tony blinked as he forced it open, wincing as the hinges squeaked loudly from several years of disuse. There stood Steve Rogers, gesturing to a large box strapped to the back of his Harley. 

"Hey Spangles." Tony said as he squeezed through the narrow doorway. "Nice threads." Steve looked down at his shirt.

"Thanks. Darcy got it for me a while back." He poked his head through the doorway. "Do you ladies want these in there, or should I bring them around to the front entrance?"  
  
"We'll set them up on the hors d'oeuvres table, Captain, so just bring them around." The soldier blinked at Jim's voice.  
  
"Oh, sorry, I didn't see you over there, Mister Moriarty."   
  
"Please, I prefer Jim, Captain Rogers."  
  
"Only if you call me Steve." The American icon smiled as he mounted his bike. "I'll just park alongside the building so that I'm not in the way." The kitchen fell quiet as he left.

 

  
"I feel like I should apologise for Tony's behaviour." Pepper said after a moment, filling a bowl with mini marshmallows. "I know he's a total ass sometimes. He's just doing it to get attention. He didn't get very much of it at all as a kid, and it's like he's trying to make up for it now." Natasha snorted quietly and said something under her breath in Russian.  
  
"The chocolate's ready. I'll go set the fountain up." She announced, turning off the stove with a flick of her wrist. She pulled the smaller inner pot from the double boiler and carried it out to the main room.

"Hey there Cap." Clint was once again perched in the rafters. "Need any help with those?"  
  
"That'd be swell, thanks, Barton." Steve said as he opened the box of cupcakes. Each of the four large cake boxes contained a different style of cake. The first held chocolate cupcakes with baby blue frosting and spun sugar snowflakes, while second box housed vanilla bean cupcakes with soft pink frosting and spun sugar tiaras. "Wow, these are really nifty!" Steve said as he opened the third box and saw the red velvet (dyed green) cupcakes with butter cream frosting, topped with a fondant replica of Loki's iconic helmet dusted with edible gold.

"Huh. Where'd he find someone willing to make those?" Clint wondered aloud as he helped Steve set out the cakes.  
  
"No idea - but I bet they weren't cheap."  
  
"Oh, I don't doubt _that_ for a second." The archer replied, smirking at the contents of the final box. Inside it were strawberry cupcakes with white frosting, topped with colourful crunchy candies and milk chocolate 'hipster glasses'.  "Heh... Nerds. _Nice_."  
  
Just as the two heroes finished arranging the table, the door in the main room was flung wide.  
  
"Greetings, friends! I come bearing gifts! ...Friend Moran, what art thou doing?"  
  
"I'm putting out the place settings."   
  
"Ah." He watched as the sniper crouched down and studied the plates, frowning as he nudged the cake plate first to the left, and then to the right. "It looks centred to me." He said encouragingly.  
  
"Yeah, well, it wasn't." Sebastian muttered as he moved on to the next setting. "The gifts go over there, Thor." He said, pointing to a table covered in a shimmering gold table cloth. "If they don't all fit, just start putting 'em on the floor." The burly Asgardian nodded in understanding and headed for the corner. 

  
"Hey, everyone- Oof!" Jane stumbled through the doorway, packages towering precariously in her arms. "A little help would be nice..."  
  
"I've got them, Jane." Pepper said, taking half of the parcels from the brunette's arms. "This is a pretty impressive haul." Jane nodded wearily.  
  
"Oh, there's quite a few more things in the truck." She said, wiping sweat from her brow. "It seems most peoples' logic was, 'twice the kids, twice the gifts.' I'm sure Darce will enjoy it, though." She checked her watch. "Oh, wow; it's nearly three already! What else needs to be done?"  
  
"Relax, Doctor Foster. We're actually ahead of schedule by..." Jim checked his phone. "Ten minutes and forty-seven seconds. I'm Jim, by the way. Hiii~!" He said, taking Jane's hand in his. "We've never actually met, but Darcy's told me _so_ much about you."  
  
"Oh, um... Same here..?" Jane said, blinking at the harmless looking Irishman standing in front of her. "I thought you would be... Umm..." She faltered for the proper adjective.  
  
"Taller, maybe? Oh, wait, it's the Westwood thing, isn't it?" He rolled his eyes and flapped his hand dismissively. "That's James' schtick. I prefer to dress down and be comfy." He shrugged and gestured over his shoulder with his thumb. "That's Seb," he turned to look at the blonde man. "Say 'hi' to Doctor Foster, Seb."  
  
"Hey." The sniper waved, a pack of cigarettes in his hand. "Takin' a fag break." Jim's eyebrows furrowed.

"Did I say you could do that, Darling?" Sebastian shrugged.  
  
"Did you say I couldn't, _Dear_? Besides, Darcy and the rest of them'll be here in less than ten minutes, so I need one now." He replied as he left the building. Jim opened his mouth, reconsidered his statement, and shook his head with fond exasperation. He turned to address Doctor Foster once again.

"Well, there you have it; my partner, Sebastian Moran. And you're Thor's wife, yes?" They both looked over her shoulder at the Asgardian in question, who was studying the table of packages thoughtfully. "He seems-" A loud crash filled the room as the table buckled under the combined weight of the mountain of gifts and Mjölnir.

  
  
"Oh." Thor looked down at the remains of the gift display at his feet. "Perhaps I should have placed mine hammer on the floor..." He looked over at the dark-haired criminal, who appeared to be having trouble breathing. "Art thou aright, frie-" He fell silent as the other man held up his hand.  
  
"Don't talk." He hissed through grit teeth. "Don't say a _word_. I don't want to hear your _voice_ , I don't want to see your _face_ , get out of my sight before _I MURDER YOU_." Thor backed off, looking for all the world like a kicked puppy.  
  
"Ooo... _Nice_ _move_ , Pointbreak." Tony whistled from the other side of the room. Moriarty whirled around and locked eyes with the billionaire, his nostrils flaring in rage.   
He grabbed a knife off the hors d'oeuvres table (Steve had used it to open the cupcake boxes) and flung it at Stark, who dove under one of the dining tables, catching the tablecloth with his knee and sending the place settings, crystal drinking glasses, candlesticks and floral arrangement crashing to the floor.

Jane gasped in horror as a candle (which Natasha had just finished lighting) caught one of the gauzy beige drapes on fire, while Pepper began yelling at Tony. 

Steve grabbed hold of the irate psychopath and held him back while Natasha calmly pulled the knife from the wall (She was slightly impressed that it had embedded itself less than an inch from where Stark's head had been - Moriarty had decent aim, to say the least.) and used it to cut the burning fabric down before the flames could spread to anything else. Clint picked up one of the large crystal bowls of nibbles, emptied out the contents (while grabbing a handful for himself), and turned to fill it from the ornate fountain...

But his efforts were rendered pointless as Thor summoned a rain cloud to put out the flames, soaking a majority of the room with water.   
  
The room fell silent as the unnatural rainstorm faded as quickly as it had appeared. Steve cautiously loosened his hold on the smaller man, who was looking at the absolute mess around him with an unfocussed stare. Without the super-soldier's strong arms to hold him up he slid to the floor in absolute shock.

Of course, it was at this very moment that the door swung open, revealing Sebastian... Who was followed by Darcy Lewis and Loki.  
  
  
"Oh... _Shit_." Sebastian whispered as he looked around, nodding tightly as Clint jerked his head towards the table surreptitiously. "Jim-"

Darcy pushed past her one-time bodyguard and walked (well, waddled) over to her friend, who actually appeared close to tears.  
  


"Hey, Jim." She laid a hand on his head and ruffled his hair gently. "Thanks for this." He snorted with bitter laughter. "No, I mean it. You spent _all day_ working on this for me and Loki. _You_ \- not a group of people you hired. And not only did you do this yourself, but you included my friends - even though you don't get along with some of them so well under normal circumstances." She glared in Tony's direction. "That means so much more to me than any of those gifts over there." She smiled as he took a few calming breaths. "Now stand up and let me give you a hug, because there's no way in hell I'm getting down on my knees to give you one."  
  
Jim stood, brushed off his knees, and let the pregnant woman wrap her arms around him.  
  
"I love you, you Adorable Badass you." She whispered into his chest.  
  
"I love you too, Dumpling." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **-TRANSLATIONS FROM RUSSIAN (via Google translate) -**
> 
> напарник: Partner 
> 
> что?: What? 
> 
> Положите его обратно: Put it back 
> 
> **\- VISUAL GOODIES -**
> 
> Décor Inspirations: 
> 
> Steve's shirt: 
> 
> The Cupcakes: 


	2. The (Bedtime) Storyteller

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There may be more... Or not. I'm not really sure. Evi isn't mine - she's Lefty's - so I'm not going to kidnap her for a "Storytime with Uncle Jim" minific.
> 
> At least, not until she's able to walk. ;)


	3. Weekends at the MoMo House




End file.
